No more coffee apologies
I’m done being embarrassed by how sweet I like my coffee. Go ahead and stare disapprovingly as I dump in five packets of Splenda. As Pee-wee Herman, that venerable font of wisdom, once said, “Take a picture – it’ll last longer.” Knock yourself out. But please stop feeling the need to explain that I’m somehow screwing up good coffee or that I don’t “really” like coffee if I have to disguise the flavor by making it sweet. It’s not that I don’t know what I’m doing. I like it this way. And guess what? I’m not alone. Haagen-Dasz doesn’t make their coffee ice cream for me alone (though it’d be very thoughtful if they did).
Here’s an idea, coffee purists. Instead of saving your coffee snobbery for me, go to the nearest Starbucks and heckle anyone who orders a caramel mocchiato or orange cream frappuccino or mocha anything. Better yet, order a plain espresso made from the most obscure beans you can find, and then sit in the corner glaring haughtily at all the ignorant plebs who think they like coffee but who are wrong about their own tastes and not half as sophisticated as you.
Sweet coffee isn’t new. Well before you were around to bug random people in convenience stores, my eastern European ancestors sipped black coffee through sugar cubes held in their teeth (I’d do this if I had one iota of coordination… or if Splenda made non-sugar cubes).
I’m done apologizing for liking it that way and done trying to drink it differently because other people are giving me the evil eye while I’m fixing it the way I like it. Sweet coffee isn’t an adulteration of some pure and holy substance. It’s a fucking beverage. A yummy one. With caffeine. Now leave me alone.